7 Ways Narcissists Shift the Goalposts to Manipulate and Control You”

Understanding the Narcissist’s Tactic of Shifting the Goalposts

Shifting the goalposts is a manipulative tactic commonly used by narcissists to control and manipulate situations to their advantage. The term refers to changing the expectations or criteria for success after an agreement has been made or after progress has been achieved. This creates confusion and frustration as others find themselves constantly trying to meet new, often unattainable demands. Narcissists use this tactic to keep others off-balance, maintaining control and power in the relationship. If you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s important to recognise the signs of shifting the goalposts so you can protect yourself emotionally and maintain your boundaries.

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

What Is Shifting the Goalposts?

In its simplest form, shifting the goalposts refers to the act of changing the rules or expectations mid-game, making it harder, if not impossible, for the other person to meet the original goal. For example, someone might agree to a plan, but then, as the person works toward completing it, the narcissist adds new requirements or changes the original agreement. By doing so, they ensure that the individual feels like they’re constantly falling short of expectations.

This tactic is particularly effective because it can make the victim feel confused, inadequate, or guilty, even though they are working hard to meet the original terms. The narcissist, however, never acknowledges these efforts, because the goalposts have already been moved.

7 Common Ways Narcissists Use Shifting the Goalposts

Narcissists employ several strategies to shift the goalposts and manipulate others. Let’s explore some of the most common ways they do this:

1. Changing Expectations Mid-Way

One of the hallmark traits of a narcissist is their ever-changing demands. A narcissist may start a discussion or agreement by setting certain expectations, only to change them once the other person is in motion. For example, they might agree to a specific course of action, such as helping with a task, but midway through, they demand more than what was initially discussed. This new demand may be unexpected or unrealistic, creating confusion for the other person who now feels forced to meet these new criteria.

This sudden change of expectations can leave the victim scrambling to meet the new requirements, making them feel like they’re never doing enough. The narcissist, however, will rarely acknowledge their role in making things more difficult and may even accuse the victim of not trying hard enough.

2. Setting Unrealistic Standards

Narcissists are notorious for setting standards that are either unattainable or subjective, making it nearly impossible for others to meet them. These standards often seem to change at the drop of a hat, leaving the victim feeling inadequate, frustrated, and confused. A narcissist may, for example, demand perfection in a way that serves their needs but is impossible for anyone to maintain.

Once the victim fails to meet these impossible standards, the narcissist will criticise them harshly, reinforcing their feelings of worthlessness. It’s a cycle designed to erode the victim’s confidence, making them more reliant on the narcissist’s approval.

3. Minimising Achievements

When the victim does meet the narcissist’s demands or achieves something noteworthy, the narcissist may downplay or dismiss these accomplishments entirely. They may move the goalposts again, changing the criteria for success once more, so the victim feels like they haven’t done enough. For instance, after meeting one expectation, the narcissist may shift the goal and say, “Well, that’s not exactly what I had in mind. Try again, but do it better.”

This tactic keeps the victim in a constant state of uncertainty, leading them to believe they can never measure up to the narcissist’s expectations, no matter how hard they try.

4. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist denies previous discussions, agreements, or promises they made, leaving the victim questioning their own memory or perception of reality. For example, a narcissist may say, “I never agreed to that,” even though they had clearly made a commitment earlier. This forces the victim to doubt themselves and their sense of reality, making them more susceptible to the narcissist’s control.

By shifting the goalposts through gaslighting, the narcissist disorients the victim, making it more difficult for them to stand firm in their boundaries and increasing their emotional dependence on the narcissist.

5. Playing the Victim

Narcissists often play the victim in order to deflect responsibility for their behaviour and manipulate the other person’s emotions. When the victim confronts the narcissist about shifting the goalposts, the narcissist may act hurt or claim that they are being unfairly treated. For example, they might say, “I can’t believe you’re upset with me. I’m doing the best I can.”

This creates guilt in the victim, who might feel responsible for the narcissist’s emotional state. The narcissist uses this guilt to further manipulate the situation, shifting the focus away from their manipulative behaviour and making the victim feel bad for asserting themselves.

6. Creating False Narratives

A narcissist may create false narratives or exaggerate situations to justify their changing demands. This tactic allows them to rewrite the past in a way that serves their interests, keeping the victim in a constant state of confusion. For example, they might claim, “I only asked for your help because you know how much I do for you,” even though their original request didn’t include any indication of the need for extra support.

By fabricating stories, the narcissist can make their shifting expectations seem reasonable or even necessary, further destabilising the victim’s perception of the situation.

7. Using Emotional Manipulation

Lastly, narcissists are skilled at using emotional manipulation to ensure that others comply with their shifting demands. They may evoke feelings of guilt, obligation, or fear to pressure the victim into adjusting their behaviour to meet the new expectations. For example, they might say, “I always do so much for you, and this is how you repay me?” or “I just don’t feel appreciated.”

These emotional pleas pressure the victim to abandon their boundaries, giving in to the narcissist’s shifting goalposts out of fear of upsetting them further.

How to Recognise and Respond to Shifting the Goalposts

Recognising the signs of shifting the goalposts can help you regain control in interactions with narcissists. Stay alert for sudden changes in expectations, unrealistic demands, or manipulative tactics like gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Keep track of agreements and conversations so you have a clear record of what was actually said.

The key to responding to this manipulation is to set firm boundaries and resist the guilt or confusion the narcissist tries to induce. If you feel pressured or coerced into something that doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts. Calmly assert your boundaries and make it clear that you will not accept arbitrary or unrealistic demands.

7 Ways Narcissists Use Shifting The Goalposts To Manipulate You.

Shifting the goalposts is a common and harmful manipulation tactic used by narcissists to keep others in a state of confusion, frustration, and emotional instability. By changing expectations, setting unrealistic standards, and using emotional manipulation, they control the situation to maintain power and avoid accountability. Recognising these tactics is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and maintaining healthy boundaries in any relationship. Stay aware, trust yourself, and remember—you don’t have to accept shifting goalposts from anyone.

Check these out! 

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

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