Narcissists Don’t Co-Parent — They Counter-Parent: 7 Signs You’re Not Dealing With a Real Co-Parent
Narcissists Don’t Co-Parent — They Counter-Parent: 7 Signs You’re Not Dealing With a Real Co-Parent
Mike Sullivan Narcissists Don’t Co-Parent — They Counter-Parent
Co-parenting with a narcissist isn’t co-parenting at all — it’s counter-parenting.
A healthy co-parenting relationship requires communication, compromise, and a shared commitment to the child’s wellbeing. But with a narcissist, none of that exists. What you get instead is a deliberate, exhausting pattern of opposition, sabotage, and manipulation. Their goal is never cooperation — it is control. Let’s break down what this truly looks like.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
1. They Undermine Your Rules
One of the clearest signs you’re dealing with a narcissistic co-parent is their relentless need to contradict you. Whatever boundaries you put in place — bedtime, screen time, homework routines, manners — they will do the opposite. Not because they believe their approach is healthier, but because challenging you gives them a sense of superiority.
If you say no sweets before dinner, they give sweets the moment the child arrives.
If you set a consistent bedtime, they keep the child up late.
If you enforce consequences, they remove them instantly.
To them, parenting decisions are not about raising a healthy, stable child. They are opportunities to compete, undermine, and make you look unreasonable. The child becomes stuck between two conflicting realities, and the narcissist thrives on the confusion this creates.
2. They Use the Child as a Messenger
A narcissist avoids direct communication whenever possible — unless it’s to start an argument. Instead, they send messages through the child:
“Tell your mum she’s lying.”
“Ask your dad why he won’t let you come over.”
“Tell her I said she’s being dramatic again.”
This isn’t co-parenting; it’s emotional triangulation. The goal is to place the child in the middle, make them responsible for adult conversations, and create distance between you and them. It is manipulation disguised as parenting, and it forces children into roles they should never have to occupy.
3. They Weaponise Contact
Narcissistic co-parents treat schedules and agreements not as responsibilities, but as tools of control. They pick up late, drop off early, cancel last-minute, or suddenly demand changes without notice. They ignore court orders, twist arrangements, or accuse you of not cooperating.
But the purpose is always the same: chaos.
The more destabilised you feel, the more power they feel they have.
You may find yourself constantly adjusting your plans, always on edge, always trying to predict their next move. This unpredictability is intentional — a way to force you into emotional and logistical exhaustion.
4. They Play the “Fun Parent”
To maintain their image and secure admiration, narcissists love to position themselves as the fun, carefree parent. No boundaries. No structure. No consequences.
Instead, they rely on:
- gifts
- treats
- late nights
- excessive screen time
- extravagant outings
- anything that makes them the favourite
The child is bribed, not nurtured.
Meanwhile, you become the “strict” parent simply for providing stability. The narcissist thrives on this contrast because it reinforces their fantasy of being adored. But underneath the fun façade is neglect — the kind that leaves children confused, overstimulated, and lacking guidance.
5. They Blame You for Everything
To a narcissistic co-parent, responsibility doesn’t exist unless it can be shifted. Any issue with the child becomes your fault.
The child is tired? Your routine.
The child is upset? Your influence.
The child misbehaves? Your parenting.
The child complains? You’re poisoning them.
Their absence, inconsistency, or neglect? Also your fault.
They rewrite events, distort conversations, and create alternative versions of reality where they are the victim and you are the problem. This blame-shifting isn’t occasional — it’s constant, calculated, and exhausting.
6. They Perform for the Public
In private, a narcissistic parent may do very little for the child — no homework help, no emotional support, no real involvement. But in public, online, or around friends, they transform into the “super parent.”
You’ll see posts about “family time,” speeches about how much they love their child, and dramatic statements about being a devoted, hands-on parent. They crave validation, and parenting is simply another stage on which they perform.
Superficial image matters more than actual care.
Presentation replaces responsibility.
Praise replaces parenting.
This public persona also helps them gather sympathy, making it harder for others to recognise the truth of what happens behind closed doors.
7. They Don’t Care About the Child — Only Control
This is the hardest truth for many to accept:
To a narcissist, co-parenting isn’t about the child’s wellbeing. It’s about maintaining power.
They seek control over your time, your emotions, your decisions, your peace, and your relationship with the child. The child becomes a tool — a possession used to punish you, destabilise you, or pull you back into conflict.
This doesn’t mean they don’t feel affection. But their affection is conditional, inconsistent, and overshadowed by their obsession with dominance.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is not parenting at all.
It is survival.
It is strategy.
It is learning to parent through sabotage.
Conclusion
Understanding counter-parenting doesn’t make the situation easier, but it does make it clearer. It allows you to stop expecting cooperation from someone incapable of it. It helps you see patterns for what they truly are — manipulation, not misunderstanding.
A narcissist will not change.
But your strategy can.
Knowledge becomes power.
Boundaries become protection.
And clarity becomes the first step towards raising a child in stability, even when the other parent thrives on chaos.
Check these out!
Narcissists Don’t Co-Parent — They Counter-Parent: 7 Toxic Behaviours Every Parent Should Know
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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