Why Narcissistic Parents Have Children (And the Damage It Leaves Behind)
Why Narcissistic Parents Have Children (And the Damage It Leaves Behind)
Mike Sullivan Why Does a Narcissist Have Children?
This is one of the hardest truths to accept — especially if you grew up believing that becoming a parent automatically meant love, protection, and sacrifice.
For most people, having children is about nurturing, guiding, and loving another human being as they grow into their own person. Even imperfect parents generally understand that their child is separate from them — with their own emotions, limits, and needs.
With a narcissist, that separation never fully exists.
When a narcissist has children, it is rarely about the child’s wellbeing. It is about what the child represents, provides, and secures for the narcissist.
And that distinction changes everything.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
The Empty Core No One Sees
At the centre of narcissism is not confidence, but emptiness.
A narcissist carries deep shame and a fragile sense of self that they cannot regulate internally. They rely on the outside world to reflect back a version of themselves that feels powerful, admired, and worthy. Without that reflection, they feel exposed, angry, or worthless.
This is why narcissists attach so strongly to roles and identities:
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
- Victim
- Hero
Having children offers a powerful identity — one that is socially praised, morally protected, and difficult to challenge.
The Promise They Make to Themselves
When a narcissist decides to have a child, there is often an unspoken belief:
This will fix me.
They imagine a future where:
- They are finally loved unconditionally
- Someone always needs them
- Someone can’t leave
- Someone reflects their importance
- Their life finally has meaning
They don’t consciously think, I will use this child.
Instead, they believe the fantasy — and the fantasy feels real.
For a while.
Securing the Relationship
Children create permanence.
They tie people together legally, emotionally, and practically. A narcissist understands this instinctively, even if they can’t articulate it.
A child:
- Makes leaving harder
- Creates guilt around walking away
- Increases tolerance for mistreatment
- Keeps communication open indefinitely
Many partners of narcissists notice a shift once pregnancy enters the picture. Suddenly, the relationship feels heavier, more serious, harder to escape.
That is not accidental.
Pregnancy: When the Mask Slips
Pregnancy often exposes the narcissist’s core wounds.
For many narcissists — particularly male narcissists — pregnancy is experienced as a loss. Attention shifts. The partner’s body changes. The focus is no longer on them.
This can trigger:
- Withdrawal
- Criticism
- Emotional cruelty
- Infidelity
- Abandonment
Some narcissists leave during pregnancy, only to return later — once the baby is born and attention is back in the room.
Others swing the opposite way and become overly attentive, especially if it enhances their image. They want to be seen as devoted, supportive, exceptional.
But even in those moments, the care is conditional.
Possession, Not Protection
Some narcissists appear fiercely protective during pregnancy or early parenthood. This can be confusing.
The protection is not always about love — it is about ownership.
The child represents:
- Legacy
- Power
- Proof of importance
- An extension of identity
The narcissist does not see a vulnerable human being. They see something that belongs to them.
Children as Emotional Supply
To a narcissist, children are uniquely powerful sources of supply.
They offer:
- Attention without effort
- Admiration by default
- Dependence
- Loyalty
- An audience
Children are wired to attach to their caregivers. Narcissists exploit this natural bond.
They may:
- Perform loving parenthood in public
- Soak up praise and admiration
- Share stories that centre themselves
- Use the child to gain sympathy
Behind closed doors, the child learns something very different:
Love must be earned.
Affection is conditional.
Approval can disappear instantly.
When the Fantasy Breaks
The fantasy begins to crack as the child grows.
Children develop opinions.
They say no.
They express emotions.
They challenge unfairness.
They pull away.
For a narcissist, this feels like betrayal.
Instead of adapting, they control.
The Creation of Roles
To manage their discomfort, narcissistic parents often assign roles.
The Golden Child
This child exists to reflect the narcissist’s ideal image.
They are rewarded for compliance and achievement.
They learn that love comes with conditions.
The Scapegoat
This child absorbs blame.
They become the emotional dumping ground.
They are criticised, punished, or ignored.
Both children are harmed.
Both learn that love is unsafe.
The Silent Damage
Children raised by narcissists often grow up hyper-aware of other people’s moods.
They learn to:
- Anticipate emotional shifts
- Suppress their own needs
- Earn love through usefulness
- Stay quiet to stay safe
As adults, they may struggle with:
- Boundaries
- Self-worth
- Trust
- Identity
- Rest
Many don’t realise they were abused because nothing “obvious” happened. The damage was psychological, relational, and invisible.
A child does not stop loving a narcissistic parent.
They stop trusting themselves.
The Uncomfortable Truth
A narcissist does not have children to love them unconditionally.
They have children to:
- Regulate their emotions
- Secure attachment
- Reinforce identity
- Maintain control
- Avoid abandonment
The child’s needs are secondary to the narcissist’s emotional comfort.
That truth hurts — but it also liberates.
Because when you understand this, you stop asking:
“What was wrong with me?”
“Why wasn’t I enough?”
“Why couldn’t I make them love me?”
And you start asking the right question instead:
Why was I expected to meet needs that were never mine to carry?
That is where healing begins.
And that is how the cycle finally breaks.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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