Am I the Narcissist? 7 Signs You’re Actually Healing, Not Abusive
Am I the Narcissist? 7 Signs You’re Actually Healing, Not Abusive
Mike Sullivan 7 Things You Do That Make You Think, “Wait… Am I the Narcissist?”
One of the most unsettling moments in recovery from narcissistic abuse is the sudden fear:
“Wait… am I the narcissist?”
This thought can feel terrifying. It often appears just as you begin to change your behaviour — setting boundaries, pulling back emotionally, or prioritising yourself for the first time. If you were repeatedly blamed, accused, or gaslit by an abusive partner, this self-doubt can feel overwhelming.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
The truth is this: many survivors worry they are narcissistic precisely because they are not. Below are seven common behaviours that can feel “narcissistic” after abuse — but are actually signs of healing.
1. You Stop Reacting
You no longer argue, explain yourself, or try to prove your point. You disengage instead of reacting.
After abuse, this can feel cold or uncaring — especially if you were trained to believe silence equals punishment. But this is not narcissism. It is emotional self-protection.
Narcissists rely on emotional reactions. They provoke, argue, and escalate to regain control. Healthy people step back when engagement becomes harmful.
Choosing not to react is not manipulation. It is regulation.
2. You Set Firm Boundaries
You start saying no. You limit access. You stop over-giving and people-pleasing.
If you were punished for boundaries in the past, they may feel cruel or selfish now. But boundaries are not abuse — they are a requirement for healthy relationships.
Narcissists use boundaries to control others while refusing to respect them. You are using boundaries to protect your wellbeing.
The discomfort you feel does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means you are doing something new.
3. You Stop Explaining Yourself
You no longer justify your choices to people who twist your words or dismiss your feelings.
This can feel uncomfortable if you were conditioned to constantly defend yourself. But healthy adults do not owe explanations to people who misuse them.
Narcissists demand explanations to maintain power and control. Healing involves stepping out of that dynamic.
You are not being secretive or manipulative. You are refusing to participate in emotional interrogation.
4. You Focus on Yourself
You prioritise your health, peace, and recovery. You put your needs first, sometimes for the first time ever.
After abuse, self-focus can feel selfish. That belief often comes from being trained to neglect yourself to keep someone else comfortable.
There is a crucial difference between narcissism and recovery:
- Narcissists prioritise themselves at the expense of others.
- Survivors prioritise themselves to repair damage.
Self-focus after abuse is not ego. It is restoration.
5. You Feel Less Empathy Toward Them
You no longer feel sorry for your abusive ex. You stop excusing their behaviour or absorbing their pain.
This can feel harsh if empathy once kept you connected. But empathy without boundaries is what trapped you.
Loss of empathy in this context is not cruelty. It is clarity.
You are no longer overriding your own reality to protect theirs. That is not narcissism — it is self-respect.
6. You Finally Feel Angry
Anger often appears later in healing, once fear and confusion begin to fade.
Many survivors worry that anger makes them abusive or narcissistic. In reality, anger is a healthy emotional response to mistreatment.
There is a difference between:
- Narcissistic rage (used to intimidate and control)
- Healthy anger (used to protect and define boundaries)
Anger tells you something was wrong. It helps restore your sense of self and personal limits.
Suppressing anger kept you vulnerable. Feeling it now means you are waking up.
7. You Question Yourself
This is the most important point.
Narcissists do not genuinely self-reflect. They do not worry about hurting others. They do not sit with discomfort and ask, “Am I the problem?”
Survivors do.
If you are questioning your behaviour, analysing your impact, and worried about becoming harmful — that alone is powerful evidence of empathy and accountability.
Self-reflection is not narcissism. It is conscience.
Why This Fear Is So Common After Abuse
Narcissistic abuse often involves projection. The narcissist accuses you of the very behaviours they display: selfishness, lack of empathy, manipulation.
Over time, these accusations sink in. When you begin to change, those old labels resurface.
You may think:
- “I’m becoming cold”
- “I’m being selfish”
- “I’m just like them”
But what you are really experiencing is the discomfort of no longer abandoning yourself.
The Key Difference to Remember
Narcissism is about entitlement, exploitation, and lack of empathy.
Healing is about boundaries, self-respect, and emotional safety.
They can look similar on the surface — especially to someone trained to put themselves last — but the motivation underneath is entirely different.
Final Thoughts
If you are asking, “Am I the narcissist?”
That question itself is your answer.
You are not becoming cruel.
You are becoming clear.
Clarity feels uncomfortable when you were taught to survive by self-betrayal. But discomfort does not mean harm.
It means growth.
And growth always challenges the old version of you that existed to keep others happy at your own expense.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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