Can a Narcissist Change? 7 Reasons They Won’t (No Matter How Hard You Try)
Can a Narcissist Change? 7 Reasons They Won’t (No Matter How Hard You Try)
Mike Sullivan Can a Narcissist Change? Why the Answer Isn’t What You Want to Hear
It’s one of the most heartbreaking questions survivors of emotional abuse ask themselves — sometimes over and over again.
“Can they change?”
You’ve seen glimpses of who they could be. The charm, the warmth, the promises that melted your resistance and convinced you to stay, even when your instincts screamed to run. You’ve told yourself that if you just loved them a little more, argued a little less, became a little more patient, or communicated just right — maybe then, they’d change.
Maybe then, things would go back to how they were at the start.
But here’s the truth many come to realise, often after months or years of being devalued, gaslit, and emotionally drained:
Change is possible — but not likely. And not in the way you hope.
Narcissists can change. But most won’t. Not because they can’t — but because they don’t want to.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here’s why:
1. Lack of Self-Awareness
Change starts with recognising a problem. But narcissists don’t believe they’re the problem. They view others as flawed, too emotional, too demanding. Their self-image is so fragile and inflated that any challenge to it feels like an attack. If they can’t see the damage they cause, they have no motivation to stop causing it.
2. Refusal to Take Responsibility
Owning up to mistakes requires vulnerability. But narcissists are experts at shifting blame. They rewrite history, paint themselves as the victim, and find fault in everyone but themselves. If a relationship fails, it’s your fault. If they lash out, you provoked them. This lack of accountability makes genuine change nearly impossible.
3. No Genuine Remorse
Even when a narcissist apologises, it often feels hollow — like it’s designed more to calm the storm than to make amends. That’s because it usually is. They’ll say whatever they need to say to avoid consequences, not because they feel regret or a desire to improve. True remorse involves empathy, and empathy is often absent or extremely limited in narcissistic individuals.
4. Distorts Reality and Gaslights
A narcissist doesn’t just lie to you — they lie to themselves. When confronted with truth, they twist it until it fits their narrative. They’ll make you question your memory, your feelings, and your reality. This constant rewriting of events protects their ego but erodes your sense of sanity. How can someone change if they’re unwilling to even face reality?
5. Needs Control and Admiration
Change requires losing control — at least temporarily. It involves listening, compromising, and sometimes admitting you were wrong. But narcissists crave control and admiration like oxygen. The moment they feel they’re not being worshipped or in charge, they lash out or withdraw. Their need for superiority always overrides their willingness to grow.
6. Manipulates Therapy or Help
Many survivors find false hope when a narcissist agrees to therapy. But therapy only works if approached with honesty and humility. Narcissists often use therapy to gather ammunition, play the victim, or charm the therapist. They want the appearance of growth without doing the real work. It becomes another performance, not a path to healing.
7. Unwillingness to Lose the Upper Hand
Change requires humility. It asks, “What can I do differently?” But narcissists don’t want to give up their position of power. Vulnerability is terrifying to them. They’d rather keep control — even if it means hurting others — than risk exposing their deeper wounds.
You could bend over backwards, try every tactic, read every book, forgive endlessly, and pour everything into the relationship. But with a narcissist, none of it would be enough.
Not because you didn’t try hard enough. But because they didn’t try at all.
You didn’t fail them.
You simply encountered someone who doesn’t see a need to change — because the current setup works for them. They hold the power. They get the admiration. They dodge accountability. So why would they ever want to change?
So… Can a Narcissist Change?
In theory, yes.
But realistically? Only with deep, consistent, internal work — and a level of self-awareness most narcissists are unwilling to reach. It takes years of unlearning manipulation, sitting with uncomfortable truths, and truly caring about how they affect others. And even then, change is rare.
You may still carry hope. That’s human. That’s love. But at some point, hope becomes a trap — not a lifeline.
Letting go doesn’t mean you gave up too soon.
It means you finally accepted a painful truth: You cannot love someone into changing. You cannot fix what they refuse to see as broken.
But you can change your life.
You can break the cycle. You can reclaim your voice. You can heal.
Because the only person you’re truly responsible for changing — is you.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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