How Narcissists Know Exactly What They’re Doing and Make You Feel at Fault
How Narcissists Know Exactly What They’re Doing and Make You Feel at Fault
Mike Sullivan How Narcissists Know What They’re Doing—Yet Believe You’re the Problem
Narcissists are often fully aware of the pain they cause. They are not clumsy in their behaviour or oblivious to their actions—they are deliberate. Yet, paradoxically, they twist every situation so that it seems like you are the one at fault. Understanding how and why they do this is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Here are seven key tactics narcissists use, and why recognising them matters.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
1. Blaming You for Their Actions
One of the most common behaviours in narcissistic relationships is the act of blaming others. When a narcissist says or does something hurtful, their immediate response is to make it your fault. Perhaps they shouted at you during an argument, insulted you, or broke a promise. Instead of acknowledging their actions, they claim you “provoked” them or made them behave that way.
This deflection is deliberate. Narcissists understand that by shifting blame, they maintain their self-image while keeping you doubting yourself. Over time, you may begin to question whether you are “too sensitive” or responsible for their behaviour. In reality, they are fully aware of their actions—they simply refuse to take responsibility.
2. Gaslighting Reality
Gaslighting is another hallmark of narcissistic manipulation. They twist facts, deny statements, or reinterpret events so that you start questioning your own memory and perception. For example, they may insist they never said something hurtful, even if you clearly remember it.
This isn’t accidental. Narcissists use gaslighting to control the narrative, making you feel unstable and dependent on them for the “truth.” They know exactly what they did, but their goal is to make you doubt your reality so they remain in control.
3. Justifying Cruelty
Narcissists are adept at rationalising their behaviour. They will tell themselves—and try to convince you—that their cruelty is justified. Perhaps they claim their outburst was a lesson you needed or that their criticism was meant to “help” you improve.
This justification serves two purposes: it preserves their ego and manipulates you into accepting their behaviour. You may find yourself apologising or adjusting your behaviour, even though the abuse is entirely undeserved.
4. Moral Superiority
A narcissist’s sense of moral superiority is rarely accidental. They genuinely believe they are right, even when evidence proves otherwise. Their ego does not allow them to admit fault or wrongdoing.
This superiority manifests in arguments, decision-making, and even everyday interactions. When confronted, they don’t consider compromise—they assert dominance. They know their actions are harmful, but in their mind, their intentions automatically make them blameless.
5. Shifting Focus
When a narcissist is confronted, they rarely address the issue directly. Instead, they redirect the conversation, highlighting your mistakes or flaws. Perhaps you point out hurtful behaviour, and they respond with, “Well, you did this last week,” or “You overreacted.”
This technique ensures that they remain above reproach, while you feel guilty and responsible. Narcissists know exactly how to manipulate conversations to maintain control. Your frustration and confusion feed their sense of power.
6. Minimising Your Feelings
Narcissists are masters at dismissing emotions. If you express hurt, disappointment, or frustration, they will downplay it, exaggerate it, or label it as weakness. “You’re overreacting,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” are common phrases.
The goal is clear: make you doubt your own feelings and take responsibility for their behaviour. This emotional manipulation is intentional, and the narcissist is fully aware that invalidating your feelings keeps them in control.
7. Rewriting History
Perhaps one of the most insidious tactics is rewriting past events. Narcissists will retell stories, change details, and frame themselves as justified while portraying you as unreasonable or at fault.
This isn’t forgetfulness—it’s a conscious strategy. By controlling the narrative, they maintain power and ensure that you are left confused, doubting your memories, and questioning your sanity.
Recognising the Patterns
These seven tactics—blaming, gaslighting, justifying cruelty, asserting moral superiority, shifting focus, minimising feelings, and rewriting history—are not random. They form a consistent pattern of conscious manipulation. Narcissists know exactly what they are doing, yet their ego convinces them and attempts to convince you that you are the problem.
Recognising these behaviours is the first step to protecting yourself. Once you understand that the narcissist’s goal is control, not resolution, you can stop engaging in their manipulative games. You can set boundaries, seek support, and maintain your emotional well-being.
Protecting Yourself
Dealing with a narcissist requires awareness and strategy. Reacting emotionally often feeds their control, so detachment and boundaries are essential. Journaling, therapy, or support groups can help you maintain perspective. Recognising patterns over promises is critical—narcissists rarely change because their behaviours are deliberate, not accidental.
By understanding that a narcissist knows what they’re doing and actively manipulates reality, you reclaim your power. Awareness is your first line of defence. Protect yourself, trust your perceptions, and remember: you are never the problem.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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