Things Narcissists Say During Devaluation: How to Recognise the Patterns

Devaluation is one of the most painful stages of a relationship with a narcissist. At first, they put you on a pedestal with love-bombing—lavish attention, compliments, and promises of the perfect life together. But once their mask slips, the dynamic changes dramatically. That’s when devaluation begins. In this stage, a narcissist chips away at your confidence, self-worth, and sense of reality. They don’t do this by accident—they do it deliberately, using specific phrases and tactics to manipulate, control, and destabilise you.

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

The scary part is that they often repeat the same lines over and over again. Once you recognise the patterns, you’ll understand that these words aren’t about you—they are about them, their need for control, and their refusal to take responsibility for their actions.

The Classic Put-Downs

Narcissists love to criticise and belittle, often under the guise of “concern” or “honesty.” Some of the most common phrases include:

• “You’re too sensitive.” Translation: I hurt you, but I don’t want to own up to it. Your feelings make me uncomfortable, so I’ll dismiss them instead.
• “You’re overreacting.” Translation: Your natural, valid response to my behaviour is inconvenient for me, so I’ll label it irrational.
• “You’re imagining things.” Translation: I’m gaslighting you to make you question your reality. This keeps you off balance and unsure of yourself.

These lines are designed to silence you, not to solve problems or resolve conflict. They are verbal tools meant to erode your confidence and make you dependent on their version of reality.

Comparisons and Conditional Approval

Another favourite tactic is comparison. Narcissists frequently measure you against others to make you feel inadequate:

• “Why can’t you be more like…”
• “My ex never complained about this.”

These statements aren’t casual observations. They are intended to make you feel less than, so you expend energy trying to win their approval. When they do this, they maintain power in the relationship while you constantly strive to meet impossible standards.

Comparisons work because they tap into our natural desire for validation. Narcissists exploit this, keeping you in a state of self-doubt and insecurity. Every comment is a test—if you react, they feel in control.

Projection: Accusing You of Their Own Actions

Projection is another common tactic during devaluation. When a narcissist projects, they accuse you of the very things they are doing themselves:

• “You’re a liar.” when they are lying.
• “You’re selfish.” when they are taking everything and giving nothing.
• “You don’t care about me.” when they are ignoring your needs.

By projecting their flaws and misdeeds onto you, they dodge accountability and shift the focus away from their behaviour. This forces you into a defensive position, constantly explaining or defending yourself, which exhausts your emotional resources.

Projection works because narcissists know that when you defend yourself, they can claim victimhood and manipulate the narrative to their advantage. The more you argue or justify, the more control they feel.

Why They Use These Tactics

Narcissists use devaluation tactics to maintain power, control, and dominance in relationships. They thrive on the imbalance created when someone else questions their actions. Every put-down, comparison, or projection is designed to undermine your confidence and keep you emotionally dependent.

They are rarely interested in your perspective, feelings, or solutions. Their goal is to maintain the upper hand. Understanding this is crucial—devaluation is never about your shortcomings; it’s about their need to assert control.

Recognising the Patterns

The first step to protecting yourself is recognising the recurring phrases and behaviours. Ask yourself:

• Am I being criticised for normal reactions?
• Are they projecting their behaviour onto me?
• Do they constantly compare me to others to make me feel inadequate?

If you answered yes, you are witnessing devaluation in action. Understanding these patterns helps you detach emotionally and maintain your sense of reality.

How to Respond

You don’t have to respond to every comment or accusation. Silence and boundaries are your most powerful tools. Responding or justifying yourself only feeds their need for control. Instead, focus on protecting your emotional well-being. Keep a journal, validate your feelings, and remind yourself that their words reflect their behaviour—not your worth.

Conclusion

Devaluation is a calculated tactic used by narcissists to chip away at your self-esteem, manipulate your emotions, and maintain control. From classic put-downs to comparisons and projection, the patterns are predictable once you know what to look for. Recognising these tactics is the first step in breaking free from their influence.

Remember: it’s not about you being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” It’s about a narcissist using words as weapons to protect their ego and dominate the relationship. By recognising their script, maintaining boundaries, and refusing to internalise their accusations, you reclaim control over your reality and your life.

Check these out! 

Things Narcissists Say During Devaluation: Recognise the Words They Use to Control You

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

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