Why Narcissists Are Nice to Everyone Else but Cruel to You
Why Narcissists Are Nice to Everyone Else but Cruel to You
Mike Sullivan Why Narcissists Are Nice to Some but Cruel to You
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you already know the confusing double life they live. To the outside world, they’re charming, polite, generous, and almost saint-like. But behind closed doors? They can switch into someone completely different — cold, cruel, irritable, dismissive, or explosively angry. And as the person closest to them, you tend to see the worst of it.
This isn’t an accident. It’s not a misunderstanding. And it’s definitely not your fault.
Narcissists behave differently depending on who’s watching, what they want, and who they believe they can control. Their “kind to some, cruel to you” behaviour is deeply strategic, emotionally manipulative, and rooted in their need for power, admiration, and dominance.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Below are the real reasons this pattern happens — and why experiencing both sides of them doesn’t make you dramatic; it makes you the one who has seen the mask fall off.
1. The Public Mask: Their “Best Self” Is a Performance
In public, narcissists don’t just behave well — they perform. They know how to be charismatic, helpful, generous, funny, and socially impressive. They can turn on the charm like a light switch. They compliment people, offer help, act patient, and appear to be the kind of person others admire.
But this isn’t because they’re genuinely kind.
It’s because they’re getting something from it.
Public kindness gives them:
- praise
- admiration
- social credibility
- a clean reputation
- leverage
Behind closed doors, that performance disappears. Suddenly the person who was friendly to the waitress and kind to the neighbour becomes irritated at you for simply asking them to pass the salt. The smallest request becomes an accusation. The calm tone becomes hostility.
Why?
Because there’s no audience. No witnesses. No social reward for pretending.
Their public kindness is a mask — and you’re the one who sees who they are underneath it.
2. They Save Their Worst Behaviour for the People Closest to Them
Narcissists don’t treat everyone the same. They never have, and they never will. They save their cruelty, anger, criticism, and emotional chaos for the people who are closest to them — the ones who love them, trust them, and are invested in them.
Strangers get politeness.
Co-workers get patience.
Friends get charm.
You get emotional WWE.
This happens because narcissists see close relationships as:
- ownership
- entitlement
- a source of their emotional supply
- a place to unload their frustrations
- a safe target
They don’t risk attacking acquaintances because acquaintances can walk away. But you? You care, so they feel safe unleashing on you.
The cruel truth is this:
They treat you worse because you’re closer. Not because you deserve it, but because they think they can get away with it.
3. No Witnesses Means No Accountability
One of the biggest reasons narcissists are nice to some and cruel to you is simple: privacy protects them.
They won’t blow up in front of people they want to impress. They won’t insult you in front of strangers. They won’t start gaslighting you at a family barbecue (unless they think they can twist it to make you look unstable).
But the moment the door closes?
The real personality steps forward.
This is intentional. Narcissists know that public outbursts damage their image. They are masters of timing, controlling when and where they show their true behaviour.
You’re not imagining it — the cruelty always happens where they can deny it, minimise it, or throw it back at you later.
4. Projection: You Call Them Out, They Call You the Problem
One of the most exhausting reasons narcissists seem nice to others but awful to you is their constant projection. The moment you point out something hurtful, dishonest, or unreasonable, they flip the script.
Suddenly:
- You’re the one overreacting.
- You’re the one with anger issues.
- You’re the one “causing drama”.
- You’re the one who is “too sensitive”.
They behave terribly, then blame you for reacting to it.
Their message is always the same:
“I’m not the problem — you’re the problem.”
But the truth is clearer than they want you to realise:
They know exactly what they’re doing. Projection keeps them protected and keeps you confused.
5. Confusion: The “Two Different People” Strategy
Narcissists thrive on confusion. When they’re nice to everyone else and cruel to you, it creates a psychological trap. You start wondering:
- “Why can they be kind to them but not me?”
- “What am I doing wrong?”
- “Is it really me?”
- “Maybe I am overreacting…”
This is exactly what they want.
Confusion weakens your ability to trust yourself. When you doubt your instincts, they gain power. When you question your perspective, they can rewrite the narrative. When you feel unbalanced, you’re easier to manipulate.
That version of them that is sweet, charming, and considerate?
It’s not real.
But they use it to make you question your reality.
You’re not imagining the difference.
You’re seeing the truth they hide from everyone else.
6. It’s About Control, Not Care
A narcissist’s kindness is transactional. It’s not empathy. It’s not care. It’s not emotional warmth.
It’s strategy.
Their kindness works like Wi-Fi — available in public, disconnected at home.
In public, being nice gets them admiration and makes them look like a model partner, parent, or friend. At home, cruelty gives them control. Their behaviour isn’t based on compassion; it’s based on what benefits them in the moment.
Simply put:
- Niceness = a tool
- Cruelty = a weapon
- You = the easiest target
They’re not kind to others because they’re good people. They’re kind because it gets them what they want. They’re cruel to you because they believe you won’t leave.
7. Seeing Both Sides Means You’ve Seen the Real Them
If you’ve experienced both the charming public version and the cruel private version, you’re not imagining the split — you’re witnessing the truth.
Narcissists show the world who they want people to believe they are.
They show you who they really are.
And that’s why it hurts so deeply.
Because the nice version is a lie.
And the cruel version is the one they choose.
But here’s the part they don’t want you to know:
Their behaviour has nothing to do with your worth.
It has everything to do with their need for power, image, and control.
You’re not crazy.
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not imagining the difference.
You’re simply backstage at their one-man show — and you’re the only one who sees the script for what it truly is.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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