Why Narcissists Have Children: 7 Ways They Use Kids to Control and Manipulate
Why Narcissists Have Children: 7 Ways They Use Kids to Control and Manipulate
Mike Sullivan Why Narcissists Have Children: Understanding Their Motives
At first glance, having children is often associated with love, connection, and family. For most people, children are a source of joy, responsibility, and emotional growth. But for narcissists, the reasons for becoming a parent are rarely rooted in genuine care. Narcissists don’t see children as individuals with their own needs—they see them as tools. Understanding why a narcissist might have children is essential for protecting yourself and your family.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
1. To Keep You Hooked
One of the most common reasons narcissists have children is to maintain control over their partner. A shared child creates a bond that can be used to prolong a relationship or manipulate reconciliation if the couple separates. Even when a narcissist has been discarded, they may use the child as a way to maintain influence. Custody disputes, frequent messaging, or emotional pressure can all be tactics to keep the ex-partner engaged and emotionally entangled. In this way, the child becomes less of a family member and more of a tool to ensure the narcissist’s continued access and control.
2. To Repackage Their Own Shame
Narcissists often have unresolved shame, insecurity, or childhood trauma. Having a child allows them to create the illusion of a perfect, happy life. They can project their idealised self onto their child, using them as a reflection of the person they want to appear to be. This creates a sense of validation and purpose for the narcissist, masking their internal emptiness. The child is no longer an individual—they are an extension of the narcissist’s image and ego.
3. Control and Manipulation
Children are often used by narcissists as tools for manipulation. Whether it’s creating tension during custody battles, using parenting conflicts to elicit sympathy, or leveraging a child to gain attention from ex-partners or new supplies, the goal is always control. Every disagreement or interaction can be orchestrated to reinforce the narcissist’s power, leaving parents, co-parents, and even the child emotionally destabilised.
4. The Golden Child and Scapegoat Dynamic
Many narcissists assign roles to their children to maintain psychological control. One child may be the “golden child,” praised for perfectly reflecting the narcissist’s expectations, while another becomes the scapegoat, blamed for failures or problems in the family. This dynamic creates confusion and emotional trauma for the children while reinforcing the narcissist’s sense of superiority. The golden child becomes a tool for validation, and the scapegoat absorbs negative attention and responsibility.
5. Illusion of Heroism or Victimhood
Narcissists are highly concerned with perception. They often present themselves as perfect, devoted parents to outsiders, or as victims if blocked from seeing their child. This ensures admiration, sympathy, or social leverage, while simultaneously hiding neglectful or abusive behaviours behind a carefully crafted public image. The reality of the parent-child relationship is secondary to how it looks externally.
6. Validation and Attention
Having children gives narcissists a constant source of validation. Praise from others, attention from partners, and emotional reactions from children all feed their ego. This validation is not rooted in genuine love or care—it is a way to maintain self-importance and feel in control. Emotional responses from the child or co-parent become a form of narcissistic supply, reinforcing their sense of power.
7. Enforcing Legacy or Competition
Some narcissists use their children as extensions of themselves to enforce personal dreams, ambitions, or values. They may push their child into specific achievements, hobbies, or behaviours that reflect their own desires. Others may use their child as a means of competing with others—proving superiority over ex-partners, friends, or family. The child becomes a living symbol of the narcissist’s success or influence, rather than an autonomous individual.
Protecting Yourself and Your Children
Recognising these patterns is crucial for maintaining boundaries and safeguarding emotional and psychological wellbeing. Understanding that a narcissist sees children not as people, but as extensions of themselves, allows parents and co-parents to respond with clarity and detachment. Strategies may include setting firm boundaries, documenting interactions, and seeking professional support when needed.
Conclusion
Narcissists do not have children out of love—they have children to serve their own needs. Whether it is maintaining control, creating validation, manipulating co-parents, or enforcing a legacy, the child becomes a tool rather than a family member. By understanding these dynamics, you can protect yourself and your child from manipulation and emotional harm. Knowledge is power, and recognising narcissistic patterns is the first step toward creating a safe, nurturing environment for your family.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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